Why do people have to leave each other?

Posted by on Nov 13, 2011 in Brotherhood & Sisterhood, Featured, Islamic Character, Overcoming Hardships, Reflections, Spiritual Purification, Spouse | 1,935 comments

Why do people have to leave each other?

Why Do People Have to Leave Each Other? Part I Part II

When I was 17 years old, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was sitting inside a masjid and a little girl walked up to ask me a question. She asked me: “Why do people have to leave each other?” The question was a personal one, but it seemed clear to me why the question was chosen for me.
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I was one to get attached.

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Ever since I was a child, this temperament was clear. While other children in preschool could easily recover once their parents left, I could not. My tears, once set in motion, did not stop easily. As I grew up, I learned to become attached to everything around me. From the time I was in first grade, I needed a best friend. As I got older, any fall-out with a friend shattered me. I couldn’t let go of anything. People, places, events, photographs, moments—even outcomes became objects of strong attachment. If things didn’t work out the way I wanted or imagined they should, I was devastated. And disappointment for me wasn’t an ordinary emotion. It was catastrophic. Once let down, I never fully recovered. I could never forget, and the break never mended. Like a glass vase that you place on the edge of a table, once broken, the pieces never quite fit again.

But the problem wasn’t with the vase. Or even that the vases kept breaking. The problem was that I kept putting them on the edge of tables. Through my attachments, I was dependent on my relationships to fulfill my needs. I allowed those relationships to define my happiness or my sadness, my fulfillment or my emptiness, my security, and even my self-worth. And so, like the vase placed where it will inevitably fall, through those dependencies I set myself up for disappointment. I set myself up to be broken. And that’s exactly what I found: one disappointment, one break after another.

But the people who broke me were not to blame any more than gravity can be blamed for breaking the vase. We can’t blame the laws of physics when a twig snaps because we leaned on it for support. The twig was never created to carry us.

Our weight was only meant to be carried by God. We are told in the Quran: “…whoever rejects evil and believes in God hath grasped the most trustworthy hand-hold, that never breaks. And God hears and knows all things.” (Qur’an 2: 256)

There is a crucial lesson in this verse: that there is only one handhold that never breaks. There is only one place where we can lay our dependencies. There is only one relationship that should define our self-worth and only one source from which to seek our ultimate happiness, fulfillment, and security. That place is God.

But this world is all about seeking those things everywhere else. Some of us seek it in our careers, some seek it in wealth, some in status. Some, like me, seek it in our relationships. In her book, Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert describes her own quest for happiness. She describes moving in and out of relationships, and even traveling the globe in search of this fulfillment. She seeks that fulfillment—unsuccessfully—in her relationships, in meditation, even in food.

And that’s exactly where I spent much of my own life: seeking a way to fill my inner void. So it was no wonder that the little girl in my dream asked me this question. It was a question about loss, about disappointment. It was a question about being let down. A question about seeking something and coming back empty handed. It was about what happens when you try to dig in concrete with your bare hands: not only do you come back with nothing—you break your fingers in the process. And I learned this not by reading it, not by hearing it from a wise sage. I learned it by trying it again, and again, and again.

And so, the little girl’s question was essentially my own question…being asked to myself.

Ultimately, the question was about the nature of the dunya as a place of fleeting moments and temporary attachments. As a place where people are with you today, and leave or die tomorrow. But this reality hurts our very being because it goes against our nature. We, as humans, are made to seek, love, and strive for what is perfect and what is permanent. We are made to seek what’s eternal. We seek this because we were not made for this life. Our first and true home was Paradise: a land that is both perfect and eternal. So the yearning for that type of life is a part of our being. The problem is that we try to find that here. And so we create ageless creams and cosmetic surgery in a desperate attempt to hold on—in an attempt to mold this world into what it is not, and will never be.

And that’s why if we live in dunya with our hearts, it breaks us. That’s why this dunya hurts. It is because the definition of dunya, as something temporary and imperfect, goes against everything we are made to yearn for. Allah put a yearning in us that can only be fulfilled by what is eternal and perfect. By trying to find fulfillment in what is fleeting, we are running after a hologram…a mirage. We are digging into concrete with our bare hands. Seeking to turn what is by its very nature temporary into something eternal is like trying to extract from fire, water.  You just get burned. Only when we stop putting our hopes in dunya, only when we stop trying to make the dunya into what it is not—and was never meant to be (jannah)—will this life finally stop breaking our hearts.

We must also realize that nothing happens without a purpose. Nothing. Not even broken hearts. Not even pain. That broken heart and that pain are lessons and signs for us. They are warnings that something is wrong. They are warnings that we need to make a change. Just like the pain of being burned is what warns us to remove our hand from the fire, emotional pain warns us that we need to make an internal change. That we need to detach. Pain is a form of forced detachment. Like the loved one who hurts you again and again and again, the more dunya hurts us, the more we inevitably detach from it. The more we inevitably stop loving it.

And pain is a pointer to our attachments. That which makes us cry, that which causes us most pain is where our false attachments lie. And it is those things which we are attached to as we should only be attached to Allah which become barriers on our path to God. But the pain itself is what makes the false attachment evident. The pain creates a condition in our life that we seek to change, and if there is anything about our condition that we don’t like, there is a divine formula to change it. God says: “Verily never will God change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves.” (Qur’an, 13:11)

After years of falling into the same pattern of disappointments and heartbreak, I finally began to realize something profound. I had always thought that love of dunya meant being attached to material things. And I was not attached to material things. I was attached to people. I was attached to moments. I was attached to emotions. So I thought that the love of dunya just did not apply to me. What I didn’t realize was that people, moments, emotions are all a part of dunya. What I didn’t realize is that all the pain I had experienced in life was due to one thing, and one thing only: love of dunya.

As soon as I began to have that realization, a veil was lifted from my eyes. I started to see what my problem was. I was expecting this life to be what it is not, and was never meant to be: perfect. And being the idealist that I am, I was struggling with every cell in my body to make it so. It had to be perfect. And I would not stop until it was. I gave my blood, sweat, and tears to this endeavor: making the dunya into jannah. This meant expecting people around me to be perfect. Expecting my relationships to be perfect. Expecting so much from those around me and from this life. Expectations. Expectations. Expectations. And if there is one recipe for unhappiness it is that: expectations. But herein lay my fatal mistake. My mistake was not in having expectations; as humans, we should never lose hope. The problem was in *where* I was placing those expectations and that hope. At the end of the day, my hope and expectations were not being placed in God. My hope and expectations were in people, relationships, means. Ultimately, my hope was in this dunya rather than Allah.

And so I came to realize a very deep Truth. An ayah began to cross my mind. It was an ayah I had heard before, but for the first time I realized that it was actually describing me:  “Those who rest not their hope on their meeting with Us, but are pleased and satisfied with the life of the present, and those who heed not Our Signs.” (Qur’an, 10:7)

By thinking that I can have everything here, my hope was not in my meeting with God. My hope was in dunya. But what does it mean to place your hope in dunya? How can this be avoided? It means when you have friends, don’t expect your friends to fill your emptiness. When you get married, don’t expect your spouse to fulfill your every need. When you’re an activist, don’t put your hope in the results. When you’re in trouble don’t depend on yourself. Don’t depend on people. Depend on God.

Seek the help of people—but realize that it is not the people (or even your own self) that can save you. Only Allah can do these things. The people are only tools, a means used by God. But they are not the source of help, aid, or salvation of any kind. Only God is. The people cannot even create the wing of a fly (22:73).  And so, even while you interact with people externally, turn your heart towards God. Face Him alone, as Prophet Ibrahim (as) said so beautifully: “For me, I have set my face, firmly and truly, towards Him Who created the heavens and the earth, and never shall I give partners to Allah.” (Qur’an, 6:79)

But how does Prophet Ibrahim (as) describe his journey to that point? He studies the moon, the sun and the stars and realizes that they are not perfect. They set.

They let us down.

So Prophet Ibrahim (as) was thereby led to face Allah alone. Like him, we need to put our full hope, trust, and dependency on God. And God alone. And if we do that, we will learn what it means to finally find peace and stability of heart. Only then will the roller coaster that once defined our lives finally come to an end. That is because if our inner state is dependent on something that is by definition inconstant, that inner state will also be inconstant. If our inner state is dependent on something changing and temporary, that inner state will be in a constant state of instability, agitation, and unrest. This means that one moment we’re happy, but as soon as that which our happiness depended upon changes, our happiness also changes. And we become sad. We remain always swinging from one extreme to another and not realizing why.

We experience this emotional roller coaster because we can never find stability and lasting peace until our attachment and dependency is on what is stable and lasting. How can we hope to find constancy if what we hold on to is inconstant and perishing? In the statement of Abu Bakr is a deep illustration of this truth. After the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ died, the people went into shock and could not handle the news. But although no one loved the Prophet ﷺ like Abu Bakr, Abu Bakr understood well the only place where one’s dependency should lie. He said: “If you worshiped Muhammad, know that Muhammad is dead. But if you worshiped Allah, know that Allah never dies.”

To attain that state, don’t let your source of fulfillment be anything other than your relationship with God. Don’t let your definition of success, failure, or self-worth be anything other than your position with Him (Qur’an, 49:13). And if you do this, you become unbreakable, because your handhold is unbreakable. You become unconquerable, because your supporter can never be conquered. And you will never become empty, because your source of fulfillment is unending and never diminishes.

Looking back at the dream I had when I was 17, I wonder if that little girl was me. I wonder this because the answer I gave her was a lesson I would need to spend the next painful years of my life learning. My answer to her question of why people have to leave each other was: “because this life isn’t perfect; for if it was, what would the next be called?”

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85 Comments

  1. This Article is great. I enjoyed reading it. It is real and applied to my life as well. I felt it is a true life application from Quran.The way you tied Quran and islamic rules to real life together using your talents and words is a gift from Allah. Thank you for your efforts Jazaki Allahu Khairan.
    Souzan

  2. What a beautiful article. Written so well.
    But Yasmin, then I wonder, what about love and happiness? You know, they say that one should always be happy and thankful to God for the life they have been given. But how can one be happy and thankful without living life in the dunya without our hearts? This friend of mine, only 21 yrs old, passed away recently. Everyone around us said that she passed away at such a young age because she was one of God’s favourites, and whenever they used any words to describe her, those words were “happy, joyful, lived with her heart, loved life.” Secondly, when you say we may not depend on our spouses to fulfill our every need…well, isn’t that a bit idealistic? Granted, it is God that leads everything and makes everything happen. But if you are to think about your parents, won’t you then imagine two people who would do anything for you and give their life for you, if needed? Even Allah commands us to respect and love our parents. So if that is the cornerstone of family: such love and emotional dependency, why can’t or shouldn’t it be the same for our other family, ie, husbands or wives? I get that you should not rely on people too much, I, myself, am to learn this lesson…but i can’t think about living without trusting that a few people will never ever let me down. :? Life, without that trust, is extremely painful. One last thing. You know how we are supposed to be self-confident? However minimum, a bit of self-trust is needed so you can walk with your held high on this earth. It goes without saying that everything made possible is by Allah Ta’ala, and He is Who does anything, and makes us do what we do. But saying that we shouldn’t even depend on ourselves for help…granted that we ourselves derive everything from Allah, well doesn’t that lead to even less self-sufficiency? And doesn’t that place our matters outside ourselves, again? Maybe, we are to believe in ALLAH through WHOM we are to believe in ourselves?

    • I agree, beautifully written and in my opinion the article about “Shahadah / Iman”.

      Think – Read – Think again!

    • Wow! This was simply amazing. Alot of these things pass through my mind regularly, and it is very true that whenever that which we rely upon as stable changes, so does our mood. It is achieving an inner state of Iman (faith) in Allah that he will guide us. But first, we must truly believe and embrace everything with an open mind and heart (If you truly believe in something, you will do anything to achieve it.)
      -Iman

    • you are right.. what you have written crossing my mind too…

  3. mA beautiful.

  4. maa shaa Allah what a beautiful article, barak Allahu feek <3

  5. Assalam Alaikum. This article is so beautiful and powerful to me because I am experiencing this realization of attachment right now. I am learning that how fulfilling it is to put all my trust in Allah. My soul feels light. I thought I trusted Allah even when I was attached to people and the relationship, but now it’s like I am feeling Him for the first time, Him closer to me than my veins. After many mistakes that I made, I am blessed that He guided me to the right path. I shall use this blessing to please Him more.
    Thank you so much for sharing this story.

  6. Dear ukhti,

    I was lead to your site through a beautiful friend, who knew that I am in need of inner strength to go through a difficult time with someone I have become too attached to. Your posts, however have given a better understanding on Allah’s designs when He takes away something that I have loved so much. It battens down my anger, my hatred and eases my pain. Everytime we do submit to Him, life will always becomes more peaceful. It just crossed my mind, that He took away what I loved too much and makes me feel this pain because He loves me. He wants me to come back and face Him. Loves him because I have loved other than Him, which has lead me to go astray and forgetful of Him.

    Your writing is an eye-opener and also very inspiring. Thank you.

    • I can also relate to your situation. Happened to me too a few years back.. And although i knew and trusted Allah that He knows whats best for me, it still hurt soo much. But i realized that i gave that person a place in my heart that only Allah deserves and that i needed to fully submit my heart to Allah again

      • Salaam, am going thru same situation gave too much to someone! Only ALLAH deserves that place of my heartThe pain is unbearable but inshallah I will move forward and away from it to ALLAH.Ameen

    • so beautifully written and so inspirational, it is so easy to forget Allah when u completely happy with everything around u, I became too attached to someone, as if my whole life depended on that person, I want to say that this person made me do A LOT of wrong and sinful things but to say that is a way of me trying to run away from what I am partly responsible for myself, for giving in. I guess I am just trying to say that I am sick and tired of holding onto absolutely everything, people, emotions and my memories of ‘better times’, I am definitely feeling the guilt and self-hate but I am not doing anything about it! I feel so distanced from Allah and I am so ashamed of it, I always thought of myself as an obsessive person that can’t let go of things, but after reading this I know that I am wasting my chance to be close to Allah by occupying my self obsessing over something that really does not matter! what matters most to me is Allah, truly, inside.

  7. great efforts sister…
    but you’re not supposed to earn Aakhirah only….it is in Quran (I do not remember the verse or chapter, but I’ll look again and quote it next time I visit this webpage insh’Allah). It is in a few Surahs that “those who only attach themselves to Allah and leave the world (duniya), and those who do not fulfill their duties of this world aren’t on the right path”. You need to keep balance, but yeh when it comes to achieving “Status in the eyes of Allah” and when it comes to obtaining “the eternal satisfaction of your soul” one must turn to Allah….and Allah only!.

  8. Beautiful writing. I encounter similar attachment and thats the cause of the pain, frustration and sadness. Now, whenever i feel unease, i will ask myself what is my attachment. The best part, i quickly realize my mistake and remind Allah. Thanks sister. Will continue seek Allah love and fullfill my heart in Allah love. Continue writing sister..

  9. its awesome mashalalh.Allah gives you wonderful expression.I love you only for the sake of Alalh.can i translate this in urdu language and share on my blog for urdu readers.

    • Assalamu alaikum, it would be wonderful if you could translate and post it insha Allah. Please send me a copy of the translation at yasmin.mogahed@gmail.com. Jazak Allahu khairan.
      ———-
      Sent from AT&T’s Wireless network using Mobile Email

      • Asalaamalaykum Sister..
        May Allah reward you abundantly for all your efforts and create many many more sisters like you.
        Jazak’Allah hayrun.

    • if u translated it in urdu can i get a copy of it?

  10. Salam all, as per 54:49 ,everything is predestined,der s no cause and effect,but Creation s done in a way dat makes us think dat ‘something’ is due to ‘something’

  11. mashaALLAH sis. I love this! it’s so true and inspiring. Jazakillah Khair Kathiraa.

  12. Masha Allaah

  13. hey the blessed one!!
    sometimes intentionally you become the medicine to heal the pains of some person… your article did the same for me as the lost of my father still haunts me after 13 years still i miss him like i lost him yesterday… But after reading your article i understand how to deal with my pain… Thank you for the source of relief for me =)

  14. Allahuakbar…its amaizing how Allah puts his gudance into the words of those around us…. how many nights I spend asking Ya raBbi why??? And here he gave me the answer through your dream….this is an amaizing article…may Allh reward you for this ameen

  15. This will be a classical article inshallah. It is deep and beautifully written :) Jazaki Allahu Khairan

  16. MaashaAllah! Beautiful!! jazaakillahu khairan :*

  17. I can relate to this post, i was just like you and also learned through experience that we should only rely an put our full trust in Allah. This world is not perfect, we will get hurt and get disappointments through life….but everything happens for a reason, to bring you closer to Allah… even if you don’t see it at the moment.

  18. As salam aleykum sister, mashaAllah, it indeed is an eye-opener, jazzak Allahu kheiren, keep on writing, wa salam aleykum, ummu nuri

  19. Really inspiring and really good read :D thanks it has made a great start to my new year making me realise alot

  20. This is so beautiful…I am so much in love with my Lord …my existence ,my expectations ,my love is for him…so true we invest so much time ,our emotions ,our tears ,our efforts on temporary things n relationships of this world ..which could never give us real peace n happiness .. only rely on Allah n love him ..He will never leave us alone ..Subhan Allah

  21. SubhanALLAH very nice…. Very true…. my eyes are wet… May ALLAH reward you for this… Everybody knows this fact… but when it comes to practicing … majority doesnt depend on ALLAH… indeed ALLAH is our best friend… We should hold his hand strong.. And inshaALLAH… he will never let us go…

  22. ربنا يبارك فيكي و ينور بصيرتك و يفتح عليكي .. فكر رائع
    جزاكم الله خيرا

  23. MashAllah this is by far the best articles I have read so far! If we all all practice this, we will be successfull in this life and the hereafter!

  24. OMG!! I feel like this is message sent to me by Allah .i swear i needed to read this!!
    thanks Allah and thank u so much 4 writing this ,it’s rly eye-opening .i feel like i’m healed now from too much unnecessary pain n drama that i created becoz i get attached to ppl n other things!! I have to let all that go and put my whole trust in Allah :)

  25. What you have written is so beautiful because it is the truth. i really needed this. JazakAllah.

  26. Yasmine thanks for your article.. i just shared it with my supportive group (in which most of them are not muslim)..well an extract.. and the animator.. just asked me.. to explain how come i had been feeling much better about my lost in such a short time.. only after a month i entered the group.. well i had to tell her was God.. she sells products to those people .. therapies to get better.. but.. there is not therapie and hepl but Allah.swt.. Woww.. i can say Allahu Akbar.. certainly there is not helper but Allah..

  27. Subhanallah ! very nice article and i’m sure it reflects on so many of ours life.
    jazakallah Khairan.

  28. a beautiful piece of writing…….very enlightening!

  29. thank you so much for beautiful article. it’s truly describe how i really feel for a long time, where depend on material things especially people is tiring me up. i really need this article sister. jazak’Allahu khair, may Allah bless you dear sister.

  30. Thanks sis for wonderful essay, even i realy needed to read something like that because i sometimes forget what all Allah have given us and even some harsh words from those i love in this dunya hurts me more because of my attachment with them..

  31. Beautiful Yasmine ,,Give me your perception about ” the love of people in Allah ,for Allah’s seek ” how do you see this ??

  32. very well written. :)

  33. mashallah! this put a smile on my face!

  34. This was an extremely emotional reading for me because its what i have been going through all my life and i didnt know why. I dont have many friends and I kept blaming myself and who I was. My brother distancing himself from me has been the most painful thing I have experienced. He is my only oldest brother and I feel broken and unloved because he used to love me so much. I suffer anxiety and blame myself for our bad relationship which leads me to guilt. Now I know not to place my happiness in people or anything in this dunya. I’ll be O.K hopefully trying to heal the mental state I’m in and start to live a decent life instead of always trying to hide away because of a fear bein judged.

    JazakhAllah khair love u feesabililah and hope for u Jannah Ameen!! xx

  35. Salam alaikum,
    You’re not completely correct in saying that we should not depend on those around us even the materials around us not to survive and fulfill our needs. Even Allah (swt) has said that even though you should look towards Him for guidance and faith you still have to work for what you want. For example, if you are in need of money and you don’t have a job or anything, you can’t just sit down in prayer and wait for Allah (swt) to send someone to your door offering you a job that you’d like, you have to make an effort yourself, you have to depend on others around you to help you too. Why do you think Allah (swt) commanded that we pay Zakat? To provide for those less fortunate around us? Are we not here to help each other through the difficulties in this world and not to depend on being alone? Isn’t this why our Ummah has split into so many pieces? Because we have too much of our own opinion and we have forgotten what Allah (swt) has taught us?
    Yes if you lose a loved one your heart does break and you do become shattered, but you can at least live with the thought to know that you’ll meet that person in the next world, no one leaves completely when we have jannah to look forward too (inshaAllah). Yes we shouldn’t get attached to material things, but that is human nature, and to live with disappointment is part of being human, which is what Allah (swt) has made us to be, so we can make our mistakes and realize how great our creator is that He always brings us a new day and a new way to put our lives back together with His help. If He didn’t want us to feel these emotions than why would He make us human? Why didn’t He make us Angels and perfect? If we never made mistakes, we would never turn to Him to repent, to confess, to learn.
    We are not the Prophets (pbut) before us, we are not perfect like they are, but we can strive to be, and Allah (swt) is most forgiving and most merciful.
    I’m sorry, I don’t care for your idea’s in this article, because you are giving the impression that isolating yourself to faith alone will get you through life, but we need to learn to keep a balance when it comes to faith and living and surviving in this world. Allah (swt) is always watching us, always there for us, and we need to always show our faith to Him and live through this trial of life proving to Him that we believe in Him, but we also have to learn to survive in this world and be good to those around us, that is our test, that is life. Just because we depend on those around us a little doesn’t mean that we are putting partners to Allah (swt) astagfirullah. Yes He is the One and Only that we worship, but that doesn’t mean that when you love your parents or spouse that you are worshiping them as well.

    • My dear sister, Please read the article again, see this part for example “The people are only tools, a means used by God. But they are not the source of help, aid, or salvation of any kind. Only God is.”
      She is not saying to lock yourself in a room and not have anything to do with people. She is saying to have something to do with them but not to get attached because eventually they will not be there anymore, the only thing that can provide is Allah and he will Always be there. She is making a very clear ‘happy medium’ in her article. Please say ‘A3uthu billa min shayton rajeem’ and read it again. May Allah guide us all and make us all sisters dwelling in paradise together Inshaallah
      Salaam Aleikum

  36. Jazakum Allah khair for these beautiful words!

  37. Assalam Hijabsstyles, by reading your response, I believe you did not fully digest what Yasmin said in this paragraph as follow:-

    “Seek the help of people—but realize that it is not the people (or even your own self) that can save you. Only Allah can do these things. The people are only tools, a means used by God. But they are not the source of help, aid, or salvation of any kind. Only God is. The people cannot even create the wing of a fly (22:73). And so, even while you interact with people externally, turn your heart towards God. Face Him alone, as Prophet Ibrahim (as) said so beautifully: “For me, I have set my face, firmly and truly, towards Him Who created the heavens and the earth, and never shall I give partners to Allah.” (Qur’an, 6:79)”

    She did not say we must live alone, isolate ourselves and be an outcast. She did say “seek the help of people”. Meaning to say, we are allowed to seek help from family, friends, spouse, etc. but at same time we know that only with Allah’s will can He lead and show the way on how to make these people help you. Without Allah’s will, nothing is permissible. Wallahualam.

    Assalammualaikum (“,)

    • Exactly! Baraka Allahu feekum!

      • seeking helping each other is also Allah SW order! Because Allah said to people help ur neighbour, help ur parents help ur poor relatives…if needed so its naturally come to someone mind expecting help or love from other. Allah said save your asset which i gave to you even if you die…. so these are also Allah’s order to his people!

        • I also agree most of your points but as a human being some expectation come naturally. Seven & half years later last September 2011 i visited my home country to meet my family for four months with my two little kids( 3 yrs old and 1 & half yrs old) to meet their grandparents for the first time. My husband and myself was so much excited that my kids will see all of their blood connected relatives and they too…they’ll must love my kids…! but very sadly shockingly we didn’t see any of them loved my two little innocent child! They severely mistreated them (but my kids didn’t understand because they aren’t able to) even my brothers,sister, my husband’s family nobody loved us! like we live far from them so their heart also far from us! And lots of other things also happened, there is no place for us! We got shocked very much hurt! after coming back where the place we live, i got sick from mentally….deeply depressed when i think all those things what happened to me and my innocent child it give me lots of pain and still i cry a lot, seeking help from Allah… what should i do what to do…. i dont know! should i keep contact, should i keep relation as before….if so than naturally expectation come to my mind…i just expect love or miss from them! What to do pls pls help me….. now im taking depression pill as doctor gave me, but i can’t stop thinking of them. I feel that there is nobody for me my family or my husband’s! My husband’s have to take care of his mom(as Allah SW gave responsibility) but my mother-in-law thinks we have millions of dollars which we should spend for them but we don’t. But Allah know the best what we have or what we don’t. Anyway there is lots of thing going on….pls tell me some advice. Thanks

  38. Mashallah may Allah bless you for your work….

  39. JazakiAllah khiran

  40. You need to wear better hijab. I have seen you on youtube and if you are going to be talking in front of men and whoever you should cover more or make women only lectures. I see you are seeking knowledge in things so please let hijab be one of them. May Allah guide you and reward you for your intentions and for your dowa effort. Salam Aleikum

    • her hijab is perfectly adequate. back off.

  41. Before you judge, please read the entire comment. Recently I feel religion appeals to those who are in pain, we are told god loves us to keep us loyal to a creator that allows our brothers and sisters to suffer so much all around the world on a daily basis in some horrific ways and still demand praise 5 times a day from every human. I don’t understand how this is eternal mercy or love that outweighs that of a mother. I am not someone who hates Islam, nor am I trying to make a mockery, but I would like to hear an answer or reply that doesn’t just state there is a big devil on my case, if that is so does that not mean my faith would be very strong with a little guidance? I’m trying to understand why if I, a human being who does not claim to have as much compassion as Allah says he has, can feel for the suffering in the world regardless to religion, race or gender, misguided or guided, to the point where I have difficulty waking, eating and sleeping literally (either by dreams, or guilt whenever I eat etc) how Allah who is meant to be feeling far much more and therefore far worse, and yet can do so much more by merely saying it to be so chooses not to, when I was younger I used to love Allah unconditionally and very rarely was the idea of Allah be it his name, praising him or just feeling love towards him not present within me I literally use to think about him all day every day, and did not understand how anyone could need to be reminded, it was as if he was like a coat I was wearing, and yet now not only is there none of that I’m bordering anger/hatred towards his inaction, or choice to not act, I hear constantly that compassion is a gift from Allah but how can it be if it’s driving you near insane, I haven’t prayed a Salah in a long time because I feel it to be fraudulent and dis respective, it’s not a why me, but a why won’t you do anything, I use to ask him for everything be it for the bus to come or the kettle to boil quickly and thanked him for anything however small or silly but don’t ask him for nothing nor praise anything, it’s a shame Islam doesn’t have one of those box thingies where Christians talk to priests but if anyone could give some sort or at least an attempt at an explanation it would be amazingly helpful.

    please do not be misguided by this anyone, if I am sure of one thing it is that Allah exists and he is one, and the hell fire sure exists this is an honest attempt to gain understanding and if you are going to take ideas, best to look at the other comments and not take anything from the misguided comment that is asking for knowledge.

    • I am not sure if this would help but it is said that Allah tests the ones which he loves more. Life in this world is unjust, but it is merely a test, the aakhirah is what we are here to strive for. And Allah does not burden one of his servants with more than he can bear. Those that are suffering the most are the most loved and the strongest.

    • Hello
      I came across this website quite by accident. I found Yasmin’s article and I feel such relief. This could be me. Then I scrolled down to see the comments and saw yours. I am Catholic, my husband and son are Muslim and I am trying to learn all I can about Islam and life in the hope of sorting out my own life. I think Islam is wonderful, it offers so much common sense. My marriage is in turmoil and I am struggling to be patient.
      God does help. Mankind is the creator of all the wrong on this planet, we have free will to do good or bad, we can spend money on missiles or developing medicines. It’s all choice at the end of the day whether you are head of state or a man on the street. Life is difficult for so many people, but that isn’t God’s fault.
      I hope you find peace of mind, I know what it’s like to be tormented. I’ve tormented myself and let other’s behaviour torment me. I think some people cope better with life than others, but after all I have read recently and from people I have spoken to, patience is the key. Yasmin is right, our emotions tell us how we are. It’s fine when we are laughing and happy and we forget for a while all our upsets until they return. When we are sad and crying our emotions are telling us to check what is wrong and do something about it. We do tend to only turn to God when we are sad or something bad has happened.
      I think you are right in saying religion appeals to those in pain, because we need someone to help. We shouldn’t forget God at all, that is the mistake we make. I certainly have.
      Catholics go to confession and you are given prayers to say and the priest can forgive you your sins. I have never been, surely it’s God you need forgiveness from.
      I wish you well, I really do. God bless you.

  42. Beautifully written and very enlightening article. Jazak Allah Khair. I have beneifted from reading this for sure. Thank you.

  43. subhanaAllah….JazakAllahu sister for such great words to hear during a hardship of someone leaving you..Alhamdulilah all is from Allah .. Allah knows best

  44. the soul of your soul is Allah. When you make a mistake, when you are let down, when you feel pain seek what is inside you. It is our own knowledge that we gain through observing, feeling, teaching, creating that should guide us through this life.

    In my opinion, you should not depend on money, but you need money in this world to survive, share and learn. The same counts for emotions, or love for people. You should not base your life on living for certain emotions or people, but emotions or people should guide you to the true essence of life. And the true essence of life is becoming a part of Allah. When we look up the names of Allah, we know that is everything that is beautiful and perfect. Therefore, everything needed in this dunya is temporary but needed. We need to feel, pain, anger, sadness because that is the way we get shaped in order to become a part of Allah’s eternal love and behave as the names of Allah teaches us.

    Therefore, even though I accept this life as a test, this life is as real as your heart can feel, eyes can see and brains can think. From what I know about the islam (for me), heaven and hell are as true and real as day and night and even the Prophets cried, loved and worked for labour. We are here to feel and experience day and night, before we become a part of something greater than us.

  45. I dont have words to describe my feeling on reading this!!! I could relate to it as if I was reading my own story… the heartbreak I have always faced due to over expectations from wrong forces…. although the Quran states clearly Hasbun Allahu Wa Naimal Wakeel…. Jazakillah Yasmin… an awesome blog!!!

  46. Mashallah :)

  47. Salaams Sister, I just wanted to ask where do you draw the line as to where to stop being nice to people. Where do you stop letting them take advantage of you ? As you can achieve peace with the dunya and how fallible it is, but achieving peace with people- isn’t that recipe that will allow people to walk all over you ? How can you not show yourself to be weak, as some people may interpret peacefulness as ?

  48. As a very, very young child, I lost a parent. Life continued and I never knew until later that this event was always there even if I was unaware. Becoming aware did not ease the pain, but intensified it for now I dwelt upon what I did not have and would never have.

    My God was unable or, better, I did not let God into my life.

    Here I am an old man still working to deal with it.

    Thank you for your essay.

  49. SubhanAllah,
    Love the post! Can relate to it quite a bit.

    JazakAllah for your amazing efforts!

  50. Wow Allah guided me to just what I needed to read. JazakAllah Khair dear sister for this beautiful article. I pray that Allah will help us all to reach these beautiful relizations.

  51. Your words hit me so hard I had to slow down whilst reading and breathe. I always took pride in not being superficial, in not being materialistic all the while depending on people I loved to make me happy. And when they let me down or left me, it shook my world, the very ground i stood on. There is a constant need to be loved, and from love I derive happiness. But it is a constant battle to realize that this love is to come from my relationship with Allah and not people. I’m an idealist, a giver, giving joy to others makes me happy.. but it is so hard to understand and remember that no, these people this life is not be expected of. Alhumdulillah reading your words was like taking a good hard look at myself, one that I wasnt ready to take… this helps so much. God bless you for being real.

  52. Beautiful message. Well written and clear.

  53. Spoke to my soul. I could have been the one writing this a few months back: everything you describe so accurately is how I’ve felt or interacted with people and the world around me. The ridding of expectations continues to be a struggle, but I’m taking it a step at a time and it’s getting me place I yearned to reach, but previously could not. I think your realisations are beautiful, and it’s a comfort to read a record of someone else’s personal journey.
    And in answer to your question: if the little girl in the dream was you? I’d say: definitely, yes. Everything we seek is seeking us, everything we will to know is already in our core, and if only we took more time to listen to what is in our hearts, to what God and the universe are telling us instead of becoming distracted by meaningless words, expectations, and everything that glitters…we’d discover that we already hold the answers to every question we’ve ever had.
    Thank you: for sharing, for being, for being so honest about where you’ve been and where you want to go. I hope you’re guided even more completely along the rest of the path. That God may be with each of us.

    • Beautiful.

  54. This was beautiful written. Thank you,
    I’m 17 now and I can’t help but get attached to people, emotions, words. But I hope in time I’ll learn to have my strongest hold with the one above.

  55. what a beautiful article,Mashallah I neva get bored reading ur book It’s exactly what I needed. This book has become my favourite book <3

  56. Salam Yasmin, I was just wondering what was the turning point in your life that allowed for the veil to be lifted from your eyes? I am struggling to detach from the people that I love and I guess ultimately from my love of dunya despite trying everything that you have written about. Please make dua for Allah to accept my sincere repentance and submission to Him, and inshaAllah for me to be invited to the House of Allah for Hajj one day.

    • Dear sister,
      Believe me, it wasnt easy or painless. May Allah invite you to His house and accept all your good deeds and repentance. Ameen.

  57. i m amazed tht, u can gather ur thoughts so beautifully n place them in right place, masha-allah. It really relates my life, i think everybody’s lyf. thank u for such a great writing, helped me to sort out any things in me, n getting back my aims at right points. may allah bless u.

  58. Just amazingly awesome !!!

  59. Dear Yasmeen,This is one of the best of all your articles i have read,keep up the good work,Jazak Allah Khair

  60. amazing!!! i can relate this to my personal experience…two years before i had a boyfriend whom i loved alot…i gave him all my love,care,heart,life and my body. but then he used me for sake of his lust and dumped me alone crying and waiting for him. i became realy depressed and disappointed after that even i wanted to die at that time but then i started seeking pleasure and comfort in Allah’s prayer.gradually i became so close to Allah(alhamduliha).i even forgot him and about anything happening in this world and now i am just so happy. i have recognized my worth!! alhamduliha…

  61. Salam alaykom Yasmin,

    From deep within my heart I want to thank you for this … your article brought me to tears. I feel like this was written for me … What you described, your expectations all of it, is the exact way I perceive life. I have become to dependent on everything and everyone around me that at times I lose sense of myself, I lose sense of what life is really about. My eman is so weak and I’m so sad because of it, I try to turn back to Allah, but I guess my heart is always elsewhere and it causes such deep pain. This has truely woken me up .. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. May Allah reward you greatly.

  62. I know this was intended for me to read. Jazaka Allah khair. May Allah guide us all to understanding. Ameen. This is beautifull written, well organized and the message was powerful as I read silently to myself, yet LOUD AND CLEAR. insha Allah ta ala. #ontheroadtounderstanding!

  63. Subhana Rabbial ‘Ala!!!

  64. oh God!!!……..amazing and so so true!!
    very well written

  65. “because this life isn’t perfect; for if it was, what would the next be called?”

    ^This! puts a smile on my face :) if life’s perfect already, then what’s the perfect jannah is for..? i always do believe that everything happens for a reason, whether i will be able to figure out what are the reasons or not, i have faith in God..Anyway, lovely article, well elaborated, beautiful and thought provoking, definitely inspired..thank u :)

  66. This one is deep !! and shockingly true !! JAK..perfect timing :)

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