People leave each other. But do they return?

Posted by on Nov 13, 2011 in Before Marriage, Children, Family, Featured, Overcoming Hardships, Parents, Reflections, Relationships, Spouse | 1,930 comments

People leave each other. But do they return?

 

Why Do People Have to Leave Each Other? Part I | Part II

Leaving is hard. Losing is harder. So a few weeks ago I asked the question, ‘why do people have to leave each other?’ The answer took me into some of my life’s deepest realizations and struggles. But it has also led me to wonder: After people leave, do they ever return? After something we love is taken from us, does it ever come back? Is loss permanent—or just a means for a higher purpose? Is loss the End itself, or a temporary cure for our heart’s ailments?

There’s something amazing about this life. The very same worldly attribute that causes us pain is also what gives us relief: Nothing here lasts. What does that mean? It means that the breathtakingly beautiful rose in my vase will wither tomorrow. It means that my youth will neglect me. But it also means that the sadness I feel today will change tomorrow. My pain will die. My laughter won’t last forever—but neither will my tears. We say this life isn’t perfect. And it isn’t. It isn’t perfectly good. But, it also isn’t perfectly bad, either.

Allah (glorified is He) tells us in a very profound ayah (verse): “Verily with hardship comes ease.” (Qur’an, 94:5). Growing up I think I understood this ayah wrongly. I used to think it meant: after hardship comes ease. In other words, I thought life was made up of good times and bad times. After the bad times, come the good times. I thought this as if life was either all good or all bad. But that is not what the ayah is saying. The ayah is saying WITH hardship comes ease. The ease is at the same time as the hardship. This means that nothing in this life is ever all bad (or all good). In every bad situation we’re in, there is always something to be grateful for. With hardship, Allah also gives us the strength and patience to bear it.

If we study the difficult times in our lives, we will see that they were also filled with much good. The question is – which do we chose to focus on? I think the trap we fall into is rooted in this false belief that this life can be perfect—perfectly good or perfectly bad. But that’s not the nature of dunya (this life). That’s the nature of the hereafter. The hereafter is saved for the perfection of things. Jannah (paradise) is perfectly and completely good. There is no bad in it. And Jahannam (hell – may Allah protect us) is perfectly and completely bad. There is no good in it.

By not truly understanding this reality, I myself would become consumed by the momentary circumstances of my life (whether good or bad). I experienced each situation in its’ full intensity—as if it was ultimate or would never end. The way I was feeling at the moment transformed the whole world and everything in it. If I was happy in that moment, past and present, near and far, the entire universe was good for that moment. As if perfection could exist here. And the same happened with bad things. A negative state consumed everything. It became the whole world, past and present, the entire universe was bad for that moment. Because it became my entire universe, I could see nothing outside of it. Nothing else existed for that moment. If you wronged me today, it was because you no longer cared about me—not because this was one moment of a string of infinite moments which happened to be tinted that way, or because you and I and this life just aren’t perfect. What I was experiencing or feelings at that instant replaced context, because it replaced my entire vision of the world.

I think in our experiential nature, some of us may be especially susceptible to this. Perhaps that is the reason we can fall prey to the “I’ve never seen good from you” phenomenon which the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) referred to in his hadith. Perhaps some of us say or feel this way because at that moment, experientially we really haven’t seen good, because our feeling at that instant replaces, defines and becomes everything. Past and present becomes rolled up into one experiential moment.

But, the true realization that nothing is complete in this life transforms our experience of it. We suddenly stop being consumed by moments. In the understanding that nothing is limitless here, that nothing here is kamil (perfect, complete), Allah enables us to step outside of moments and see them for what they are: not universes, not Reality, past and present, just that—a single moment in a string of infinite moments…and that they too shall pass.

When I cry or lose or bruise, so long as I am still alive, nothing is ultimate. So long as there is still a tomorrow, a next moment, there is hope, there is change, there is redemption. What is lost, is not lost forever.

So in answering the question of whether what is lost comes back, I study the most beautiful examples.  Did Yusuf return to his father? Did Musa return to his mother? Did Hajar return to Ibrahim? Did health, wealth and children return to Ayoub? From these stories we learn a powerful and beautiful lesson: what is taken by Allah is never lost. In fact, it is only what is with Allah that remains. Everything else vanishes. Allah (swt) says, “What is with you must vanish: what is with Allah will endure. And We will certainly bestow, on those who patiently persevere, their reward according to the best of their actions.” (Quran 16:96)

So, all that is with Allah, is never lost. In fact the Prophet ﷺ has said: “You will never give up a thing for the sake of Allah (swt), but that Allah will replace it for you with something that is better for you than it.” (Ahmad) Did not Allah take the husband of Umm Salimah, only to replace him with the Prophet ﷺ?

Sometimes Allah takes in order to give. But, it’s crucial to understand that His giving is not always in the form we think we want. He knows best what is best. Allah says: “… But it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knows, and you know not.” (Quran 2:216)

But if something is going to be returned in one form or another, why is it taken at all? Subhan’Allah. It is in the process of ‘losing’ that we are given.

Allah gives us gifts. But then we often become dependent on those gifts, instead of Him. When He gives us money, we depend on the money—not Him. When He gives us people, we depend on people—not Him. When He gives us status or power, we depend on, and become distracted by these things. When Allah gives us health, we become deceived. We think we will never die.

Allah gives us gifts, but then we come to love them as we should only love Him. We take those gifts and inject them into our hearts, until they take over. Soon we cannot live without them. Every waking moment is spent in contemplation of them, in submission and worship to them. The mind and the heart that was created by Allah, for Allah, becomes the property of someone or something else. And then the fear comes. The fear of loss begins to cripple us. The gift—that should have remained in our hands—takes over our heart, so the fear of losing it consumes us. Soon, what was once a gift becomes a weapon of torture and a prison of our own making. How can we be freed of this? At times, in His infinite mercy, Allah frees us…by taking it away.

As a result of it being taken, we turn to Allah wholeheartedly. In that desperation and need, we ask, we beg, we pray. Through the loss, we reach a level of sincerity and humility and dependence on Him which we would otherwise not reach—had it not been taken from us. Through the loss, our hearts turn entirely to face Him.

What happens when you first give a child a toy or the new video game he’s always wanted? He becomes consumed by it. Soon he wants to do nothing else. He sees nothing else. He doesn’t want to do his work or even eat. He’s hypnotized to his own detriment. So what do you do, as a loving parent? Do you leave him to drown in his addiction and complete loss of focus and balance? No.

You take it away.

Then, once the child has regained focus of his priorities, regained sanity and balance, once things are put in their proper place in his heart and mind and life, what happens? You give the gift back. Or perhaps something better. But this time, the gift is no longer in his heart. It is in its proper place. It is in his hand.

Yet in that process of taking, the most important thing happened. The losing and regaining of the gift is inconsequential. The taking of your heedlessness, your dependence and focus on other than Him, and the replacing it with remembrance, dependence and focus only on Him was the real gift. Allah withholds to give.

And so sometimes, the ‘something better’ is the greatest gift: nearnesss to Him. Allah took the daughter of Malik Ibn Dinar in order to save him. He took his daughter, but replaced her with protection from the hell-fire and salvation from a painful life of sin and distance from Him. Through the loss of his daughter, Malik ibn Dinar was blessed with a life spent in nearness to Allah. And even that which was taken (his daughter) would remain with Malik ibn Dinar forever in Jannah.

Ibn ul Qayyim (may Allah be pleased with him) speaks about this phenomenon in his book, Madarij Al Salikin. He says: “The divine decree related to the believer is always a bounty, even if it is in the form of withholding (something that is desired); and it is a blessing, even if it appears to be a trial and an affliction that has befallen him; it is in reality a cure, even though it appears to be a disease!”

So to the question, ‘once something is lost, does it return?’ the answer is yes. It returns. Sometimes here, sometime there, sometimes in a different, better form. But the greatest gift lies beneath the taking and the returning. Allah tells us: “Say, ‘In the bounty of Allah and in His mercy – in that let them rejoice; it is better than what they hoard.’” (Quran, 10:58)

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  • Pingback: Why do people have to leave each other? | Yasmin Mogahed | A Life of Submission. A Piece of Serenity.

  • RAJASTAR143

    hm nice

  • Ct Sakinah78

    nothing here last..

  • Sayyed Amin ullah

    Assalamalaikum.I apologise for being late to respond and wonder it reaches you.This is an excellent presentation.I have missed its Part 1.Is it possible to mail a copy tp firni301@hotmail.com.Thanks.Sayyed Amin Ullah

  • Yasmin Mogahed

    Sayyed: Part I can be found at the top by clicking on the link ‘Part I”. Also, here’s the link to it: http://www.yasminmogahed.com/2011/03/29/why-do-people-have-to-leave-each-other/

  • Najiah_ismail

    can i copy??

  • Somerakhan1026

    Beautiful article! mashAllah.
    “There’s something amazing about this life. The very same worldly attribute that causes us pain is also what gives us relief: Nothing here lasts. What does that mean? It means that the breathtakingly beautiful rose in my vase will wither tomorrow. It means that my youth will neglect me. But it also means that the sadness I feel today will change tomorrow. My pain will die. My laughter won’t last forever—but neither will my tears. We say this life isn’t perfect. And it isn’t. It isn’t perfectly good. But, it also isn’t perfectly bad, either.” –loved this.

  • Sobia

    Such beautiful truths could only come from the words of Allah subhanallah x

  • Maazin

    Wallaahi, this is one of the best articles I have ever read. Keep it up sister, you are changing the way people see this world! Jazakallah Khairan

  • Asif Agenex Hasan

    SubhanAllah………………….

  • Ferras

    * بكى الرسول “صلى الله عليه وسلم”
    فقالوا ما يبكيك يا رسول الله ؟

    قال: اشتقت لإخواني
    قالوا: اولسنا إخوانك يا رسول الله
    قال: لا انتم أصحابي اما إخواني
    فقوم يأتون من بعدي يؤمنون بي ولا يروني.
    (السيرة النبوية لابن هشام)

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  • Sidrum76

    Sister Yasmin, please can you tell me how i can contact you, i need advice and help. Please is there a way i can contact you privately. Thankyou

  • Seniriza

    MasyaAllah.So eautifully written n insightful.jazakallah for sharing.

  • Anon

    jazakAllah khair, truly. i really needed this.

  • Batmanlovesyellow

    masyaAllah. Allah grants you a very beautiful talent in writing. pls, do keep on writing anything, tht u think can help people see the beautiful of Islam and get closer to Allah, may Allah bless you always sister. I always dream to be someone who can write beautifully, like you Alhamdulillah :’)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Farah-Nabilah-Abdul-Rahman/100000018155862 Farah Nabilah Abdul Rahman

    masyaAllah. Allah grants you with a beautiful talent in writing. pls, keep on writing anything, tht u think can help people to see the beautiful of Islam and get closer to Allah. may Allah bless you always sister. i always dream to write beautifully, like you Alhamdulillah :’)

  • facebook.com/ioopl

    Shukrun , beautiful article , beautiful words , MashaAllah

  • Rohana

    Mashallah. The articles brought me many realisations. Even though situations still persist but coping skills are better and tolerable as the best support is from Allah, the All-Knowing, All-Giving.

  • Sana

    MashaAllah …. May Allah (swt) always bless you and guide you…keep up the good work..

  • Huda ayyad

    I wanted to write you this in reply to the lecture why am i empty..i felt as if you were speaking my story, and humdallah Allah has surely put you in my way to help me!I am a blogger also this is what I wrote in response to your lecture… my blog is hudaisfreetowrite.blogspot.com, I want you to see the previous blogs so you can know how I felt..

    Today by Allah I came across an answer to my sorrow and my feelings of the past days, and overall years of my life.Yasmin Mogheds letcure titled Why Am I Empty? She just posted it and I feel like Allah sent it espcially for me.. it is as if she is speaking of my own life, and exctally what I have been complaing about in the past couple of days, and exctally what I have been struggling with! She says I had high expectations of people, I would easily be let down, I was getting attached, and trying to get those people to fill my emptiness. If you have read my previous posts you will see that I was trying to bring out the same points, that I have been turned down by my companions, and I tried to fulfill emptiness through them but I still felt empty. Subhanallah while listing to her I thought of the same hole that it has been in my soul for the past days, and actually years…

    She said I had to break this attachment and that this is the means of connecting to Allah breaking our attachments to people so we can attach to Him…wallhe i felt soooo happy when I heard this!! Its an answer I really needed after all these years of feeling sorrow and sadness because I always wonder why dont people connect with me? Am I doing something wrong, but now after hearing this and thinking that Allah is trying to get me closer to Him this is the best feeling a beleiver can have, that Allah loves him. Why would you need the love of people if you have the love of Allah? He will bring you the love of the people if He loves you

    I have been trying to find me a way to find happiness, and everytime I get close with someone i felt as if I was let down in the end…Allah wants me to connect to Him not to the people! Subhanallallhh Allah does bring you ease when you are patient..now I must work to improve my realtionship with Allah, and put in the wasted efforts to people into Allah…

    “Truly in your heart is a void that cannot be removed excoet with the company of Allah. And in it there is a sadness that cannot be removed except with the happiness of knowing Allah and being true to Him.And in it there is an emptiness that cannot be filled except with love for Him and by turning to Him and always remebring Him. And if a person were given all of the world and what was in it, it would not fill this emptiness” – Ibn Al-Qayim

  • http://zambeel.wordpress.com/ Ali Z.

    Jazakallah for writing this sister, I really needed to read this…

  • Anonymous

    Amazing! This is Just want I needed to read!

  • muslimah

    assalamu alaikkum, yet another wonderful article sister, a great way of telling people that world is transient and all thats perfect and good lies in jannah, the real home…
    I wish every single soul reads your articles so that ppl truly understand what life is meant for… may allah bless you, aameen.

  • Fadzuli

    Salam,

    Thank you for this post. It came when I needed it.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_7RC3T4M4KN6XB57I5WHIQS7EEQ halim

    thank you.may Allah bless you and all. :)

  • Sarsoora

    “Allah gives us gifts, but then we come to love them as we should only love Him.” So is this article suggesting that I should not love my children?

    • Anonymous

      Of course we should love our children. “Then we come to love them as we should only love Him.” This means we begin to love them as much, and in the way we should only love God. Allah says: ““Say, [O Muhammad], ‘If your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your relatives, wealth which you have obtained, commerce wherein you fear decline, and dwellings with which you are pleased are more beloved to you than Allah and His Messenger and *struggling* in His cause, then wait until Allah executes His command. And Allah does not guide the defiantly disobedient people.’” (9:24
      )

  • Sanam Ghogha

    Jazakallah Khair. Such a beautiful and powerful read. You have an amazing gift for writing mA. Please continue to write as it truly strenghtens our hearts.

  • Mehwish

    I was looking for an answer and this writing touched my heart like anything!

  • http://www.facebook.com/tunteja98 Zuraidah Kassim

    A great reminder for me..thank you

  • Inshirah

    MashaAllah, Very inspiring.

  • saddam ahmed

    Assalamu allaikum “all sisters &brothers
    actually this is wonderful article that makes everyone a great reminder.
    Mash allah ukhtii Yasmin…May Allah (swt) always bless you and guide you…keep up the good work..

  • Flynn

    Love whom you must in this world but know that you will have to leave them. Remember Allah SWT when you are happy, He will remember you when you are sad. If we develop an attitude of Syukr (Gratefulness) to our Master from young till the day we die, if we were to TRULY emulate the 1st Ayah of Al-Fatiha: AlhamdullilahiRabbilAlameen which is compulsory to recite at least 17 times a day in our Salah. Sincerely feel thankful. Then 5 times a day, everyday of our lives, we would be aided in our “attachments”. Everything & every being we love will remind us of Allah SWT, love Him, thank Him. We will SEE the things we are inclined to as gifts from our Lord & constantly remember Him each moment we enjoy them. Just like how our love & affection increase towards the guest who gives us birthday presents or that bestfriend who keep doing favours for us. Then, as a consequence, we will want to purify the things we posess for Allah’s sake- be it striving to cleanse our wealth with charity, guide our kids in the path of Allah or improving the way we interact according to sunnah’s relationships. By being thankful & never take things for granted, we don’t always have to lose something in order to get close to Allah SWT.

  • http://hayaah-thevoicethatlearnttospeak.blogspot.com/ Hayaah

    ”When I cry or lose or bruise, so long as I am still alive, nothing is ultimate. So long as there is still a tomorrow, a next moment, there is hope, there is change, there is redemption. What is lost, is not lost forever.”

    SubhaanAllah!!! I’ve always believed that and spoken along the same lines to friends and family… that so long as this body lives and breathes – nothing is final and lost…

    Loved the article. I love pretty much everything that I’ve read from you, or heard you speak in your webcasts and lectures, masha’Allah. May Allah swt reward you with the bestest in all things; in this life and the hereafter – Ameen!

  • Sadeyakazmi

    v well said…nyc ….MA

  • ME

    ” replacing everything with remembrance, dependence and focus only on Him was the real gift.”

    This is the Main IDEA Of this wonderful article. May Allah Give us this real gift.

    Ya Allah please please please “PLEASE on US , WHO are trying to be your SLAVE”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=848610267 Papia Hasanat

    What is with you must vanish: what is with Allah will endure…
    yeaah once we start contemplating on the fact tht everything is borrowed..from God…and when He takes it away..He will return them to us if we are followin the right path…tht thought makes life easierr

  • Ramennara

    “Above every knower is a knower.” I can really relate to this article completely — I was just never able to analyze and break down my feelings this way. I read this and I experienced subtlety and depth. They say life is layer upon layer of meaning. You are learning to uncover those meanings and through you i have experienced the quality of Latif over the past few days. Your blog has been an eye-of the-heart opener.

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  • hunza

    Allah apko khush rakhai aamen, aur hamain kamil yaqeen aur iman ata karai aamen

  • Ala

    wow.

  • Nad

    I love this so so much. Thank you :)

  • Etherealpainter

    It’s better to have loved and lost than to never at all. The best form of love is that of ALLAH’s (unconditional loving) and I believe, losing and missing is part of a humbling process of our growth and journey. While I’ve heard time and again that ‘life is a journey but not a destination’, losing our loved ones, tragically or naturally, somewhat begged me to realize the fallacy of that popular adage. I’ve learnt that life is a journey WITH a destination and those little joys and sorrows were pit stops for the education of the soul, the consolidation of the experiences towards personal meaning and in HIS faith. I love your writing for it resonates very deeply and strongly with the experiences of my life, and in this journey that I have been making the past years in trying to make sense of EVERYTHING in life, even the ‘losses’. Alhamdulillah, with the ‘losses’ came the bounty of some of the best experiences that I can only attribute to ALLAH’s blessing.

    Thank you very much for this lovely read. Alhamdulillah. You’ve inspired me to revisit one of my passion – to write. Insya Allah.

    • Anonymous

      And you write very beautifully, masha Allah. May Allah bless you and increase you. Ameen.

  • Muneera Iqbal

    Heart wrenching. Every time I read your articles I feel as though a veil has been lifted from my eyes. Subahanallah ya Yasmin, may Allah bless you n your family in jannah and dunya. Ameen

  • Nadia Vally

    Love this!! Mash-allah! <3

  • Muhammad Zeenat

    How Perfect ALLAH is ! He guided me to stumble upon u…ur writting is food for the soul. MAY Allah increase u in wisdom.

  • H

    So in answering the question of whether what is lost comes back, I study the most beautiful examples. Did Yusuf return to his father? Did Musa return to his mother? Did Hajar return to Ibrahim? Did health, wealth and children return to Ayoub? From these stories we learn a powerful and beautiful lesson: what is taken by Allah is never lost. In fact, it is only what is with Allah that remains. Everything else vanishes. Allah (swt) says, “What is with you must vanish: what is with Allah will endure. And We will certainly bestow, on those who patiently persevere, their reward according to the best of their actions.” (Quran 16:96) – @YasminMogahed:disqus Masha’Allah Beautiful!!!

  • Maryam

    Thank you. I really needed to hear something like this. Its one of the best articles i’ve ever heard and your point comes across clearly. It was beautiful.

  • Fizah

    SubhanaAllah! May Allah continue to give you wisdom and the ability to share, enlighten and be an inspiration for so many lost souls! May Allah keep blessing you my dear sister in Islam! Xxx

  • Fatima

    Beautifully written, mA. Thank you.

  • nina

    SubhanAllah jazakum Allahu khayr for sharing. It was truly what I needed to hear at the moment and that in itself is a gift from Allah swt. I agree with you what Allah swt takes from us, He does return it and gift it to us in a different form…and the best gift is nearness to Him.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ashraf.suliman3 Ashraf Farah Suliman

    MAshAllah… JAK

  • http://www.facebook.com/fateyn.chocoholic Nurul Fatin

    such a great sharing and beautifully written. jzkk.. keep on writing sista ;)

  • uzma anam

    Mashah Allah your writings have inspiration for all muslims because it has the connectivity with Allah the Almighty. sometimes we know where the answers lie but the will to accept His commands become weak with this world,which is so wrong:( God bless you sister.

  • Naushaba

    MashaAllah beautiful article and beautiful words, i can totally relate to this, i feels as you have written this only for me as i have lost many things and people i loved dearly in life, this is exactly what i was searching for… JazakAllah… May Allah(swt) shower His mercy on you and your family..ameen!

  • Alisha Khan

    I love your lectures, you have truly inspired me Alhamdulilah, Alhamdulilah during a moment of sadness I randomly came across your lectures and Alhamdulilah they have seriously helped so much and made me realise the real purpose to situations, I just want to say thankyouuu even if you see this or not, but may Allah bless you always, your lectures have helped me so much

  • Faiza

    Salaam Sister! Can you please tell me how I can contact you? I’m in need of advice. I’m 21 and I don’t have a Facebook or Twitter. Please respond to me.

  • S

    Subhanallah. It really helped me during a difficult period in my life. Beautiful piece. Brought me to tears. May Allah S.W.T bless you with what’s best in this dunya and in the hereafter.

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